I sat at the waiting reception after checking in. My entire family had come to say goodbye to
their little girl, except for my twin who had relocated with his wife to the
UK. I on the other hand chose to move to
an African country, Ghana. I have often wondered
at my fascination with that place, now I had taken the step to start a new life
there.
I had almost an hour before my flight; I found a very
comfortable spot at the waiting area and took in
my environment, the faces of
people waiting for various flights. I
was to resume at my new job the following week with a school for early infant
education as the School Counselor. I had
taken the opportunity without even thinking because it was a chance to start
over in a new environment, where nobody, absolutely no one would know me.
I sighed on my seat and looked outside the window, I loved
the feeling of being unknown, just another face in the crowd, believe me, I
couldn’t explain it but It was a wonderful feeling, almost breathtaking.
Then I spotted him, broad shoulders, big nose, well fitted
polo top and jeans on an almost perfect body, tall and dark, I’d know this
person even from his side view.
Deji
I panicked. With the
speed of a desperate woman, I picked up the closest magazine near me and put it
over my face. The guy beside me looked
at me funny, but I didn’t care. I
lowered it a little until my eyes were a little above the magazine like a
Hippopotamus under water and starred at him.
He was finishing his purchase at the food court and walking back to his
seat. I was so relieved when he sat
backing me, but I kept the magazine up just in case his eyes wandered.
Then my flight was announced. I gathered up my things quickly and dashed
for the boarding area. I was the first (wow!).
I was just glad I had escaped that close encounter.
As I settled in my window seat and looked out of the window,
my thoughts returned to the new life of adventure I was going to have in Ghana;
new job, new friends, new environment… and maybe, the elusive love might just
catch up with me.
“Kemi-doll”
I froze. I didn’t
have to turn; I knew that voice and the one that always called me like
that. I didn’t move.
“Kemi-doll” he said again.
This time I turned and there he was, smiling broadly at me,
I returned a weak smile and turned back to the window, but not before I noticed
another person take the seat next to mine.
That was a huge relief. Deji’s
seat was the one on the aisle, he tried to reach across to me but I shrunk
deeper into the side of the airplane like my life depended on it. The smile on his face disappeared like magic,
I didn’t care.
After takeoff and the seatbelt sign had been turned off, I
heard Deji whisper to the guy next to me
“Please can we change seats for a
while?”
“No!” I almost screamed.
“Please don’t, I beg you”
The man looked as confused as Deji, shrugged and ignored
both of us.
“Kemi, what did I do?” He asked with his laughing voice.
I ignored him, plugged my ears with my Ipod and turned to
the window again. I didn’t switch on the
music so I could still hear them whispering.
Tears involuntarily rolled down my cheeks.
“I think she’s crying” He whispered to Deji
I didn’t dare look at them.
When snacks were being passed around, I only shook my head
to refuse what was offered, I didn’t unplug my ears, it was a long flight.
My thoughts wandered again, not to Ghana, but to the United
States. How we’d met, the nights when we
had talked on phone for hours, the laughter that made me roll out of my bed,
the gentle encouraging voice on the other end, the teasing, the very awkward
moments, the surprise visit… everything right down to the moment my foolish
heart had gone and fallen in love.
I could hear Eji’s teasing voice (a very good friend I also
met in the United States) telling me I was in love with Deji, but in my normal
style, I denied it. Then, all at once,
the happy memories were replaced with the pain of rejection and then I couldn’t
stop the tears.
“What did I do?” I thought ‘Why did he just walk away like
that?’ My heart returned to the only
logical explanation I had – We were just two lonely people in another land who
needed companionship and when I left, well… he just moved on. Plus, he was engaged so… it would never have
worked. I had often thought about what I
would do if I ever saw him again… would I be happy and jump on him… or just
ignore him? Well, I had my answer now.
One question I had kept asking myself since I took the offer
came back to haunt me again “What are you running from?” I thought about that question over and over
again, but kept telling myself I wasn’t running from anything, but needed the
adventure which was a blatant lie! I was
running, running away from past hurts, disappointments and I just felt I could
leave the ghosts of all these things behind where they had started. Well, one of the ghosts was two seats away
from me… so much for going somewhere no one knew me.
The pilot announced our arrival. I gathered myself and braced myself for the
impact, not of the landing plane, but of the encounter with Deji.
When it was time to alight, the man in the middle
whispered something to Deji and they shook hands, he stood first, but Deji
waited. I sat there staring at people as
they filed out. I resigned to fate.
The man in the middle moved past Deji to join the long line
of people filing out, so I stood up, Deji pulled me back down and took the seat
beside me.
“Why are you not talking to me? Is that the way to treat
your dad?”
I looked at him and remembered how he used to switch between
roles; it was our little joke back then.
He’d be my dad, my brother and even my boyfriend depending on the
situation. It was really funny and cool,
but not at the moment.
“I’m tired, it was a long flight” I said
I stood and joined the line of people filing out, he didn’t
pull me back, he naturally didn’t like creating scenes… he had not changed.
I avoided him at the baggage area and took the first taxi I
saw when I walked out of the airport. I
gave the driver the address of the place I’d be staying and saw Deji looking at
me just as the car pulled out into the highway.
He actually looked very confused.
I settled into the back seat and let my mind drift again… to Deji
He had introduced me to a friend and I remember how mad I
had been. I did not understand why I was
so mad at first, but when I sat to analyze the situation I knew for sure what
my friend Eji had said was true, I was in love with him. I didn’t want his friend, I wanted him.
When I told him I was upset about the whole matchmaking
thing, he said he knew. I remember his
words like it was yesterday
“As your dad, you know I will always protect you, I can’t do
anything that will harm you”
“And as my boyfriend?” I asked
He said the sweetest thing “I will never share you with
anyone”.
I remember reading that line over and over again; over a
million times I’m sure.
“We are here” the
taxi drivers voice brought me back to reality.
I opened my bag and handed him some money. He thanked me in a language I believe was
Twi, something I would have to learn while here. I love African languages.
The place I was to stay was a storey building of about 10
floors. The receptionist gave me my room
key and told the bell boy to help me with my bags. My room was on the 10th floor, I sort of
liked it cos from my window I could see everything.
I gave the bell boy a tip and when he closed the door, I sat
by the window and just starred at nothing.
I wondered what Deji was doing in Ghana.
He left the US to take a job in Tanzania, I remember that conversation
too, I had asked him to take me with him back then, and he laughed.
I had even tried matchmaking him with a friend of mine too
(part of my denial mechanism I guess).
When I told him about my friend, he didn’t respond to my chat on bbm, I
thought he was offended. But then, he
called me later at night.
“What makes you think I am not interested in you”? he asked
And for 10 seconds, I had nothing to say. I stammered and laughed it off. He laughed too and the conversation ended,
but it was in that moment that I started to consider that maybe I was really in
love with him.
My thoughts returned to Ghana
“I just hope Ghana is big enough to keep us apart” I said to
myself. I was in Greater Accra and if it
is anything from the name, we should be far apart… hopefully.
For the next couple of days before I resumed work, I
explored the city. I went to my new
place of work just to know the distance from my house, looked for shortcuts,
markets, saloons and other places of interest and I had a very nice time, I was
so sad when Sunday night arrived.
On Monday morning, I looked at myself one last time in the
mirror, I was satisfied. I had to look
good on my first day. I looked out of
the window and froze…. Deji. He was
stepping out of the building and calling a taxi. “We stay in the same building?” I almost fainted.
My new life in Ghana just got a lot more complicated.
I watched him enter the cab and followed the cab with my
eyes until it was out of sight. I stood
there just starring until I remembered I had to get to work early. I tried as much as possible to get that new
fact out of my head while at work, but as the hours ticked by, and closing time
drew closer, my heart beat faster and faster.
All I could think about was how to come up with a strategy to ensure
that we never crossed path in the building.
Maybe he was there for just a short business trip and would leave soon,
so all I had to do was dodge him for as long as he was around.
Worst of all, I didn’t know his floor, what if we met in the
elevator? That thought made me shiver.
When it was time to go home, which was about 5pm, I quickly
took a cab. Before I came down from the
cab, I looked everywhere; the taxi driver had to ask if I was ok. I nodded, paid him and walked as fast as I
could into the building.
I took the stairs.
By the time I reached the 10th floor I was
exhausted. I slowly opened my door and
went to the window. I sat there and my
thoughts drifted again as I waited for Deji to show up.
I remember that day
like yesterday, it was 12 midnight and I could not sleep, my thoughts kept
returning to this guy and I remember saying to myself “What is so wrong about telling a guy how you feel anyway? Who made the rules? What will happen to me if I tell him?” So with those questions on my mind, I picked
my phone and sent a mail (I didn’t have any of his numbers again). The mail was very short and straight to the
point. I told him sending the mail was
the most stupid thing I’d ever done, but I wanted him to know how I felt about
him… I was able to sleep after the mail
was sent.
The next day he replied.
I was so overjoyed. He asked if I
was joking and promised to give me a call so we could talk about it… and to
this day, he hasn’t called or gotten in touch with me. That was the last time I ever heard from
him. The next time I heard anything
about him was when a friend told me about his upcoming wedding. I was shattered.
The sight of Deji walking into the building brought me back
to reality. It was 7pm.
Good.
Now I knew when he left the building and when he came back.
How about weekends? I
thought to myself.
I will have to figure that out later.
My strategy worked.
I left the building in the morning after him and tried to
get back before him.
On Saturday morning, I decided to add a new look to my new
life, I decided after long considerations to go on low cut. My brother’s voice echoed in my head “You go
wowo”(You’ll be ugly). But I shut his voice up in my head and decided to take
the plunge.
I took the stairs… again.
It was an unpredictable weekend.
As I stood on the covet waiting, a cab stopped right in
front of me and when I bent to talk to the driver I saw him. My first instinct was to run… actually I ran.
I took the next cab that came.
“Kemi” He screamed.
“Drive” I screamed to the taxi driver and he sped off.
I was such a crappy strategist, I thought to myself. Now he knew I stayed in that building, he
would also be watching out for me.
Why was I running from him anyway? I asked myself. The answer came almost immediately. It had taken me a very long time to get over
the guy, and I wasn’t even over him yet, I was so afraid that I would fall for
him again plus I couldn’t face rejection in the face. I had told him how I felt and he completely
ignored me, made me feel like I was nothing important. Besides he was getting married soon, which
was the one information that had almost killed me when I heard.
When I got to the hair salon, I chickened out of cutting my
hair, (I guess my brother’s voice won).
Plus I secretly hoped Deji would maybe see me and change his mind (very
silly I know) I did braids instead.
I didn’t see Deji again for two weeks; I was relieved and a
little disappointed. I don’t know why
actually (of course I did).
I thought he was done with whatever he was in Ghana for and
gone back to Tanzania, so I let my guards down.
He was also a strategist.
He waited for me after work and entered the same elevator with me. When I saw him, I wanted to bolt out but the
door closed.
He stood beside me, I ignored him.
He waited for me to punch in my floor but I didn’t. When we
reached the 10th floor and everyone was out of the elevator, he
turned and said “We are going to ride this elevator together until you get off
on your floor, or I will follow you everywhere until you talk to me”
The elevator door was about to close, I stopped it with my
bag and walked out. He followed.
“What do you want?” I asked
“I just want to know why my daughter is so upset with me she
wouldn’t talk to me or even look at me”
“I am not your daughter” I said stomping my feet like a
foolish little girl.
Then his face looked very serious
“Whatever I did, or have done, I am sorry Kemi. Please just talk to me. I haven’t been able to get over your reaction
to me in the airplane, and I have searched for you only to find that we live in
the same building”
I felt tears in my eyes and I turned away immediately and walked
to my door. He followed.
When we entered my room, it just poured out
“What did I do to you Deji?
You just stopped talking to me, you left me guessing and trying to
figure out how I had offended you. You
disappeared from bbm without letting me know, changed your numbers and now you
are getting married and I know nothing of anything” I said crying.
“You broke my heart into tiny pieces and it has taken me two
years to get myself together and now, just when I think I’ve made headway, you
appear and expect me to run to you with open arms?” I sat down and covered my tear stained face
with my hands.
“I’m so sorry” He said slowly. “It wasn’t intentional.”
“The truth is I knew you were falling in love with me and I
just thought it would be easier not to lead you on since I knew the feeling
wasn’t mutual. I felt letting you go was
the best option, so I just…”
“You were wrong. If
we had talked about it, and you had told me it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t have
been as painful, but you left me in the dark, just wondering what I had
done. I don’t know if you knew, but our
friendship was very important to me, and even though we could not be
romantically involved, I would have been cool just knowing we were still
friends”
“I’m sorry. I thought
I was doing the best thing.”
I stopped crying. He
came to seat beside me and pulled me into his arms. I started crying again.
So, that was how the confrontation I had imagined in my head
several times played out. We talked some
more, not about anything serious. He was
transferred to Ghana, would be getting married in a few weeks and would be
moving his family to Ghana.
“Would you come for my wedding?”
I looked at him without answering.
“I’m sorry, I understand”.
I said nothing.
After that encounter, we became friends again. He visited a lot and we talked a lot. But I warned my heart and threatened it with
open heart surgery if it tried anything stupid.
It dared me.
The night before he traveled for his wedding, he visited.
“I’m travelling tomorrow”
“Really” I said avoiding his eyes.
“Yes, really. I was
hoping you would change your mind”
“Really?”
“Yes, really”
“I haven’t” I said.
“Ok”
“Congratulations, I am very happy for you”
“Thank you dear daughter”
I laughed.
“I can’t wait for you to meet your new mother” he said with
his laughing voice.
“Me neither” I said rolling my eyes
When he left my room that night, I cried. I had gotten the closure I longed for, and I
was hoping the door would stay closed forever.
The next day, I moved.
I had been making plans to move the moment he told me he was
coming back with his family. I knew I
couldn’t bear to meet my ‘new mother’ and still be all chummy; that was a sure
recipe for depression.
Two months later, I sat counseling a little girl who was
convinced her mother hated her, my phone beeped. I looked at the caller ID and it read ‘Deji’.
I ignored the call.
Later that night I called back.
“Hi” my heart skipped a beat when I heard his voice; my
silly heart was not scared of the open heart surgery.
“How are you” I asked trying to sound cheerful.
“You moved, why?”
“I had to, I can’t…” my voice trailed off.
“Still?” he asked
“Yes, still” I replied.
“I understand” he sounded sad. “We can still talk right?”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea…. Maybe once in a while” I
added.
“ok”.
“Have a lovely night rest and congratulations once again”
“Thank you” he said.
So, I did see him once in a while, but from afar. I needed to move on, that door was never going to be open
again.
My lesson from all this?
No matter how much I love a guy, I would never EVER let him know first until I know for sure how he feels about me. If I die hiding it, so be it.
So help me God. Amen.
